Bitemark

Yesterday, I was bit at work.  And I know I’ve been complaining about work a lot, but I think it’s justified.  I was bit because the two individuals restraining the child were not doing so properly and I was trying to prevent their arms from being bitten.
It’s not a terrible bite, but the little pain in my right thumb is a constant reminder of my job and how unhappy it makes me.  I returned to work in January with the intention of approaching my work, to the best of my ability, as just my work, without responsibility for the poor job done by others.  And this has helped a little bit, no pun intended.   However, I still carry a caseload and a half without any compensation for my additional work.  I still  have to sacrifice the quality of my work and live with the idea that I can’t do better because my employers won’t allow it – they refuse to acknowledge the ongoing problem of having only 4 licensed clinicians.

So I spent the last few hours applying for jobs.  I doubt that I will receive any response with the state of the economy, but there is always the possibility that I will.  And that is bittersweet because a therapist can never make a clean break from her job.  There will always be clients left behind.  Clients that have been abandoned so many times in their lives and I have opted to selfishly abandon them again.  I know that my self-preservation is the only way that I can make a difference in this field, but I still carry guilt from leaving behind a few clients from my previous position.

I probably have forgotten the majority of them or they moved on easily without thinking of me.  Perhaps I have over-inflated my importance in their lives,  but I just can’t shake the thought that my actions were one more bad memory in a chain of loss and abandonment for a few of them.  And so, for all the clients in the world that were left by a therapist that they trusted, I am sorry.

For me, I can’t continue to work in an environment where “work” is secondary to the personal needs of the majority of the employees, including much of the administration.  And I can’t do my best work in an environment wrought with dishonesty and unethical behavior.  So, I apply for jobs, as I have done so many times in the past.  And the road splits – I will either receive an adequate offer, move on, enjoy some happiness, however briefly, and live with some guilt OR I will not receive any offers, I will stay, things will get better at points, I will wait patiently for the proverbial shit to hit the fan, and I will likely become frustrated and apply for more jobs again in the future.